This is a formal complaint, submitted in writing, addressed to the full population of people who have replaced normal language with a specific dialect of corporate-origin phrases that convey the shape of communication without any of the content. The complaint will be presented in the format of the very language being complained about, because the vocabulary has become so pervasive that translation requires fluency.
Let's circle back. This phrase means: I do not want to deal with this right now and possibly ever, but I want to appear engaged with it rather than actively avoiding it. The circle is metaphorical. The back is temporal. Together they suggest a future engagement that statistics suggest has approximately a 35% chance of occurring. When someone says "let's circle back," the correct response is to ask immediately when the circle will be happening and confirm it in a calendar invite. This is considered aggressive. It is simply functional.
“Touch base. The base exists in a sports metaphor. You are touching it. You are checking in. You are initiating a brief communication to confirm the current state of something. This...”
Touch base. The base exists in a sports metaphor. You are touching it. You are checking in. You are initiating a brief communication to confirm the current state of something. This phrase has survived because it sounds less clinical than "status update" and less demanding than "I need information from you." The touch is casual. The base is safe. You are just doing a quick touch and then moving on. The quick touch often becomes a 45-minute call.
Bandwidth. Originally a technical term describing data transmission capacity. Now applied to humans. "I don't have the bandwidth for this right now" means "I am too busy" or "I do not wish to add this to my responsibilities" or "I have assessed this task and found it beneath my current priorities." All of these are legitimate positions. The word bandwidth makes them sound technical and therefore unavoidable, as if the human has been measured and found to be running at capacity like a server, rather than making a choice.
Take this offline. You are currently in a meeting, which is a form of in-person communication. Taking something offline means addressing it outside of the current group context, which is technically taking it further from the network rather than closer to it. The phrase means "this specific issue does not belong in this meeting and I am going to stop it from consuming everyone's time by suggesting we address it separately." This is actually a useful function. The phrase is fine. It has just been applied so broadly that it now includes taking things offline that should simply be resolved in the meeting rather than scheduled into a second meeting.
Ping me. You want to be contacted. The ping is the contact. It is a small electronic signal requesting attention. You are inviting someone to emit this signal in your direction. This is fine. It's just a weird way to say "let me know" that has the energy of a submarine movie.
Loop in. Adding someone to a communication. They are being incorporated into the loop of information flow. Before this phrase, you "CC'd" people or "included" them. Looping creates a visual of continuity, of information circling, of everyone joined in the same rotating knowledge pool. It sounds collaborative. It often means "I am distributing accountability."
Let me know if you have any bandwidth to circle back on this after we sync offline and touch base with the relevant stakeholders to loop in the team before we move the needle.
This sentence is grammatically complete. It contains no information. It has been spoken in offices. Multiple times. Today.
The complaint stands. Please advise on next steps at your earliest convenience.