The sports bar is an ecosystem. Like any ecosystem, it has its own hierarchy, its own species, its own food chain. Some of these species enhance the environment. Most make it worse. Here is the definitive ranking.
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## Tier S: Sacred. Protect These People.
**The Knowledgeable Quiet Fan** Does not speak unless they have something worth saying. When they do speak, it's correct and adds genuine information to the viewing experience. Arrives early, knows exactly where to sit, has already scoped out the sound situation. Is genuinely happy watching the game. The sports bar would be perfect if it were only this person.
**The Round Buyer** Assesses the table situation early, goes to the bar, comes back with a round for everyone unprompted. Does this again later. Does not keep score or expect recognition. Simply enjoys abundance and wants others to share in it. This person makes civilization possible.
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## Tier A: Good. We Need These People.
**The Enthusiastic Bandwagon Fan Who Admits It** "Look, I only started watching them this year but I am LOCKED IN." Fine! Enthusiasm is contagious. Being honest about recent fandom is more than most bandwagoners offer. They're going to be annoying when the team makes the playoffs but right now they are fine.
**The Person Who Already Ate** Ordered one beer, not using any food service, sitting in a seat. Actually fine. Drinking at a bar is legal and expected. Not causing problems.
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## Tier B: Neutral. Fine to Exist Here.
**The First-Timer Asking Questions** "Wait, why was that a penalty?" is a reasonable question once. Twice is acceptable. At some point the game has to be watched, but accommodating reasonable curiosity is part of the social contract and first-timers deserve a window of ignorance.
**The Person Having a Side Conversation About Something Unrelated** Fine as long as it's happening at a volume that doesn't require anyone else to hear it. This is a public space. Side conversations are a part of life. Just keep it below game audio.
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## Tier C: Tolerable But Noted.
**The Loud Stats Person** "Did you know he's actually 3 for 47 on plays like that in the fourth quarter at home?" Nobody asked. The information may even be accurate. But the timing and the delivery — right after the play, interrupting the natural response to the play — is a disruption to organic emotional experience.
**The Person Watching a Different Game on Their Phone** Fine in theory. Not fine when they try to narrate their phone game while a crucial moment in the bar game is happening. You have to pick. You can't do both simultaneously and expect people to accommodate you.
**The Late Arrival Who Needs Catching Up** "What's the score? What did I miss? Who scored first? Why are they losing?" You had a phone the entire time you were not here. There is an app. This was chosen.
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## Tier D: They Ruin It. They Know They Ruin It. They Have No Intention of Stopping.
**The Person Who Shushes Nobody** Randomly decides that the bar is too loud and says "guys, guys, GUYS" during a commercial break to get everyone to quiet down, then doesn't have anything to say worth the shushing. What are you shushing for? This isn't your living room. This is a place of business where sound is occurring.
**The Wrong Team's Fan Who Needs You to Know** Wearing the away team jersey at a home-team-friendly bar, fine. Going out of their way to make sure every person within earshot knows which team they're for, then doing a prolonged celebration directly into the faces of the home team fans, fine-ish as sports trash talk. But then doing it again, and again, and checking in repeatedly with "how's your team doing?" while grinning — at some point you chose to come here. Manage accordingly.
**The Armchair Coach** "Just run the ball." "Why would you throw there?" "I would have done X." Provided as loud, confident commentary throughout the game to no one in particular, as if the coaching staff has access to the opinions of this man sitting in a bar eating mozzarella sticks.
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## Tier F: A Menace. No Other Word.
**The Person Who Stands In Front of the TV** Unforgivable under any circumstances except a medical emergency. You are a physical obstruction to the purpose of the establishment. Sit down or move sideways. You are not transparent.
**The Table That Doesn't Care About the Game** Booked the booth directly in front of the game, spent the entire time talking about something else, looks annoyed when people around them react to the game. Why are you here. There are restaurants with no sports. Go there. You have done this on purpose.
**The Check-Splitter Who Causes a 15-Minute Transaction** The game went to overtime. The tension is maximum. The winning touchdown is imminent. And THIS person has chosen RIGHT NOW to ask the server for separate checks on a tab of eleven people with complex modifications. The server is doing their best. You are not.
**The Guy Watching On His Phone At Full Volume Without Headphones** This person is the last boss. There is a large television in this establishment playing the game at a reasonable volume. That was not sufficient. This person needed to also have the game playing on their phone, at a different audio delay, creating an echo chamber of sports commentary that serves no one.
If you are this person: we love you. Please stop. Please.
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*More sports opinions at [Spaghetti Burritos](/sports).*